Etiquette Nonsense
Sep. 4th, 2008 07:12 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
firebyrdI wish so-called etiquette experts would get with the program.
When I give a gift to someone, I would like it to be something that they can use, will enjoy, need, want, whatever. I want to know I've given them pleasure and spent our money, which tends to be in short supply, wisely. While you can say, "it's the thought that counts," I can tell you that personally, I remember far better when someone gets me something I really want or need. I can't remember who gave what clothes for Enoch for the most part, but I can tell you who gave us the car seat. I can tell you who gave me a stuffed black chocobo for a wedding present. I can tell you who gave me most if not all of the various video games that were gifts, even down to the year for most of them. Ideally, I want to give that sort of experience when I give gifts or give them a chance to get something they really want.
So what does that mean? Gift registries, gift cards, and gift receipts. They're not tacky. They're useful. It doesn't mean I expect a gift. It doesn't mean I think you have terrible taste. But take, for example, the fact I like reading. Everyone knows that. Pretty much everyone knows I read speculative fiction. We have almost 1100 books, though, and we keep getting more. How on earth can anyone be expected to know what we have? Heck, I just was going through stuff the other day and found a book I had no clue I owned. Even if you know me really well, if you're in a physical store without access to LibraryThing (or you don't know of the website or that Eric has an account on it), you're probably only going to be guessing if I have a book or not.
And so, no matter what the occasion, registries, gift cards, and gift receipts become very handy. Store return policies are terrible these days and many, if not most, won't do any sort of return without a receipt anymore. If the person already has that particular gift, well...they're often out of luck without a receipt. Also, many hobbies are expensive these days. A Stephen King paperback I bought the other day had a cover price of $9.99 (thank goodness for Costco prices!). That's where gift cards come in. Cash can be nice, but for many people who are so strapped, it has a tendency to go towards bills rather than something fun for the recipient. Some people still sell them on eBay or whatever, but generally speaking, if you give a gift card, the person will use it on themselves, which is what I want. It also lets them "save" for a more expensive gift. PS3 and 360 games generally start out at $60 these days, after all.
I can see how back in the halcyon days of the 50's or whenever how it could have worked to not have registries or not tell people about them. People tended to stay in their home towns, friends and family knew each other, and there wasn't such a wide array of gadgets, accessories, and such. It could work to have a guest who is invited to an event or someone who just wants to give a gift call up the recipient's mom and find out what they want or need. It really doesn't work that way anymore, though. My mom doesn't know most of my friends and vice versa. She doesn't know what I have or need and even when she asks, she can't remember. She's to the point of being so lost when it comes to gifts that she just gives cash, so she's certainly not a resource for knowledge and I think she's pretty typical.
Taking that into account, when there's a slip in a shower invitation or whatever noting where so-and-so is registered, I'm grateful. That means I can get something they want or need, which is good for them. It's also good for me because I'm not wasting my money on some junk that they'll have no clue what to do with, even if they're grateful that I thought of them (who the heck needs or wants a "Ladle Cradle" or ceramic bowls with creepy faces painted on them or triangular plates for pizza that are of such a size very few pizza slices will actually fit on them, to name a few of the gems from our wedding). I read the etiquette stuff and I fought with my mom over including slips with our wedding invitations, but you know what? She was right. It helped people. Given the number of people who still called up and asked if we had a registry, it might have even been more useful to include something a bit more blatant.
Including registry information and wanting a gift receipt doesn't mean a person is rude, expecting a gift, or greedy. It means they know that some people are going to choose to give them gifts and would like some help in order to provide the best experience for both giver and recipient. If such a note is included, you don't have to buy a gift. You don't have to use the registry. You don't even have to care that you've left a new bride befuddled as to what she'll do with her fifth crockpot that she can't use, can't return anywhere, and can't even remember who got it for her since it's the same as two or three of the others. For those of us who do care, though, registries are wonderful and we want to know about them, etiquette be damned.
When I give a gift to someone, I would like it to be something that they can use, will enjoy, need, want, whatever. I want to know I've given them pleasure and spent our money, which tends to be in short supply, wisely. While you can say, "it's the thought that counts," I can tell you that personally, I remember far better when someone gets me something I really want or need. I can't remember who gave what clothes for Enoch for the most part, but I can tell you who gave us the car seat. I can tell you who gave me a stuffed black chocobo for a wedding present. I can tell you who gave me most if not all of the various video games that were gifts, even down to the year for most of them. Ideally, I want to give that sort of experience when I give gifts or give them a chance to get something they really want.
So what does that mean? Gift registries, gift cards, and gift receipts. They're not tacky. They're useful. It doesn't mean I expect a gift. It doesn't mean I think you have terrible taste. But take, for example, the fact I like reading. Everyone knows that. Pretty much everyone knows I read speculative fiction. We have almost 1100 books, though, and we keep getting more. How on earth can anyone be expected to know what we have? Heck, I just was going through stuff the other day and found a book I had no clue I owned. Even if you know me really well, if you're in a physical store without access to LibraryThing (or you don't know of the website or that Eric has an account on it), you're probably only going to be guessing if I have a book or not.
And so, no matter what the occasion, registries, gift cards, and gift receipts become very handy. Store return policies are terrible these days and many, if not most, won't do any sort of return without a receipt anymore. If the person already has that particular gift, well...they're often out of luck without a receipt. Also, many hobbies are expensive these days. A Stephen King paperback I bought the other day had a cover price of $9.99 (thank goodness for Costco prices!). That's where gift cards come in. Cash can be nice, but for many people who are so strapped, it has a tendency to go towards bills rather than something fun for the recipient. Some people still sell them on eBay or whatever, but generally speaking, if you give a gift card, the person will use it on themselves, which is what I want. It also lets them "save" for a more expensive gift. PS3 and 360 games generally start out at $60 these days, after all.
I can see how back in the halcyon days of the 50's or whenever how it could have worked to not have registries or not tell people about them. People tended to stay in their home towns, friends and family knew each other, and there wasn't such a wide array of gadgets, accessories, and such. It could work to have a guest who is invited to an event or someone who just wants to give a gift call up the recipient's mom and find out what they want or need. It really doesn't work that way anymore, though. My mom doesn't know most of my friends and vice versa. She doesn't know what I have or need and even when she asks, she can't remember. She's to the point of being so lost when it comes to gifts that she just gives cash, so she's certainly not a resource for knowledge and I think she's pretty typical.
Taking that into account, when there's a slip in a shower invitation or whatever noting where so-and-so is registered, I'm grateful. That means I can get something they want or need, which is good for them. It's also good for me because I'm not wasting my money on some junk that they'll have no clue what to do with, even if they're grateful that I thought of them (who the heck needs or wants a "Ladle Cradle" or ceramic bowls with creepy faces painted on them or triangular plates for pizza that are of such a size very few pizza slices will actually fit on them, to name a few of the gems from our wedding). I read the etiquette stuff and I fought with my mom over including slips with our wedding invitations, but you know what? She was right. It helped people. Given the number of people who still called up and asked if we had a registry, it might have even been more useful to include something a bit more blatant.
Including registry information and wanting a gift receipt doesn't mean a person is rude, expecting a gift, or greedy. It means they know that some people are going to choose to give them gifts and would like some help in order to provide the best experience for both giver and recipient. If such a note is included, you don't have to buy a gift. You don't have to use the registry. You don't even have to care that you've left a new bride befuddled as to what she'll do with her fifth crockpot that she can't use, can't return anywhere, and can't even remember who got it for her since it's the same as two or three of the others. For those of us who do care, though, registries are wonderful and we want to know about them, etiquette be damned.
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no subject
Date: 2008-09-05 01:39 pm (UTC)I love gift registries. I love getting people something I know they actually want, quickly, instead of wandering aimlessly through aisles at a store. I love receiving things I actually need instead of crap I can't use and is just going to wind up in a garage sale or on ebay. I don't know why etiquette experts can't get with the program...why is being considerate of people's real wants and needs tacky, but giving them their sixth Lenox knick-knack that doesn't go with anything in their house not?
Our worst wedding gift: a decorative throw pillow, square, mauve-colored, with its display side completely covered over with huge silk roses. It was HIDEOUS and I have no doubt it was dug up from the bottom of the gifter's closet or garage. The irony: it was the FIRST THING to sell when we had a garage sale the next year! *amused*
no subject
Date: 2008-09-05 09:00 pm (UTC)I'm certainly no decor expert, but the mental picture I'm getting of that pillow is making my too-delicate stomach turn. Ewww! :)
no subject
Date: 2008-09-05 02:58 pm (UTC)It's including any mention of gifts whatsoever in an invitation or announcement that is tacky. If there is no slip in the announcement saying "the happy couple is registered at JC Penny" etc., and you want to know where they are registered, you--the gifter--are supposed to call and ask politely. It should never, ever be the person expecting the gift who mentions it, because then...well, it shows they're expecting a gift. They should be perfectly prepared for everyone who gets an invitation or announcement to give them nothing at all. And an announcement that you are registered somewhere makes it uncomfortable for the recipient who either cannot afford to shop at the specified place, or prefers to hand-make gifts or gift something they already own, or who simply does not wish to gift the person.
It's different with a baby shower or surprise party, where the inviter is not the same as the honoree.
Etiquette is meant to provide guidelines for social interactions that divides up obligations on the shoulders that should bear them. It is a greater affront to be urged to give a gift (subtly or otherwise) that you do not want to give than to be gifted something you cannot use.
no subject
Date: 2008-09-05 08:57 pm (UTC)Frankly, if the majority of a society agrees that something is acceptable and it's not harming someone, I don't see how it can be considered rude. Most people want a registry to shop off of if they're going to get a gift. Most people want to know where said registry is. And frankly, it's a catch-22, as etiquette states you're not supposed to ask the honoree, which is stupid, because what if they're the only person involved that you know?
A little slip of paper with a store name on it no more makes you obligated to buy a gift than an invitation does. People, no matter what is said, already view invitations to such events as an obligation to bring a gift. Making it easier on all concerned (and any /reasonable/ person includes a wide array of items of all prices on a registry because of the cost issue) is just good sense.
Being gifted with something you can't use certainly isn't poor etiquette, but it's a complete waste of the giver's money, the resources used to make the unusable item, and the receiver's space (and time and more resources like gas if they try to return it). I want nothing to do with it as either giver or receiver.
no subject
Date: 2008-09-05 09:57 pm (UTC)Weddings have already become commercialized, palm-out affairs. I for one am happy some people still even recognize the civilizing influence of etiquette. It is not unheard of, nowadays, for brides to write "cash only please, we're saving for our honeymoon to Hawaii!" on their invitations. This is repulsive on the same principle--just further down the scale.
no subject
Date: 2008-09-05 03:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-09-05 09:05 pm (UTC)